Narcotics Anonymous.

This is my 10th post. Cool. : )

So today was my moms 9 year anniversary celebration. Which is so awesome. I'm so proud of her for making it this far, regardless of the obstacles. Knowing what she has gone through and what she is going through now makes me want to be the strongest person I can be, and to not bitch about the little things. Even though that's pretty hard for me lol.

I think this will be an emotional blog. And a long one. So please bare with me. I really hope everyone that I want to read this will. I'm getting teary eyed already lol.

Even though I am not an addict, Narcotics Anonymous has saved my life. Like I said before, I went to my moms anniversary tonight and she celebrated with another woman whos sponsor spoke. I cried when she started to talk about her life. How anyone who went through the horrific things that she did and get to where she is today is absolutely amazing to me. Women like her are the ones that keep me from shutting myself away in my room and crying my life away.

I want to tell my life story. I don't know why. I just have an overwhelming urge to share the shit that I've gone through in my life. I don't want pity, I'm just hoping that this will help people realize why I do the things that I do, and why I say the things that I say. So here it is.

I was born on June 6th 1990 to Aine Sheridan and Derek Fullerton in Larh, Germany. I don't remember if I was a happy baby, I'm sure I was. But even before I was born my issues with my biological father started. I found out a few weeks ago that he had told my mom to have an abortion. Two years later, on May 13th 1992, my younger sister Kashlyn was born. 6 months later, after moving back to Canada, my parents seperated. Throughout the time that my parents were together he was extremely abusive. I didn't see him again for a couple of years.

I'm not sure how old I was, or how old my mom was when she first started doing drugs. I think it might have been when she was with John, Maeve and Chads dad. God he was a prick. A fair share of my issues with men stem from him. I don't really remember much of my childhood to be honest. I've probably blocked a lot of it out. But I remember one night I was watching T.V. sitting almost directly in front of it, hoping to block out the sound of him beating the shit out of my mom (the next day I went into the kitchen to see the fridge knocked over) and then him coming into the living room, crouching down beside me, and telling me to call him "dad". I don't think I'll ever forget that.

Around the same time Kashlyn and I started to visit my dad in Petawawa. I eventually told my mom that I never wanted to go see him again. The previous visit I had accidently knocked Kashlyn off of the bed and he pushed me down, straddled me, and started to choke me. I was 6.

I was almost 8 when my siblings and I were taked away from my mom because of her drug using. We lived with my grandparents for a while, and then Kashlyn and I went to live with our dad, and I don't remember what happened to Chad and Maeve at that point. Looking back now, it was never good at my dads. He was constantly controlling, never letting us out, only letting us be friends with certain people, stuff like that. I found out a couple years ago that at 6 years old Kashlyn would tell my mom that she wanted to run away. When we moved in with my dad, the relationship between Kash and I started to deteriorate. He was always pitting us against each other.

At 10 he called CAS and told them to get me out of the house because he didn't want me there. Fucking 10 years old and I had to live with complete strangers for an entire weekend. When I was 12 we moved to Aylmer, which is right across the river from Ottawa. I think it was at that point that I started to lose everything that I was. If that makes any sense. He put us down and belittled us until we felt like we were nothing. And to him we were nothing. We weren't even his children according to him.

I was actively involved in basketball from grade 7-9, which helped me a lot. Until he would start pushing me to "be better" and threaten to make me quit the team if I did something he didn't like. I was 13 when I developed an eating disorder. Kashlyn was 11 when she developed hers. Puberty had fucked me over and I wasn't as skinny as I was, so he was always, ALWAYS calling us fat, and telling us we didn't need to eat anything else and all that shit. I would play basketball 5 days a week and barely eat. I remember trying out for soccer in grade 8 and I couldn't get through the whole try-out because I was ready to pass out. All I had eaten that day was half a granola bar. Every little bit of self worth was gone. I felt like shit. I hated my father. I hated my sister. I hated everything in my life, especially myself.

It was the summer after I turned 14 that we went to New Brunswick and my father attacked me. Literally attacked me. All because I didn't feel well enough to go to the beach. My grandmother had to get between us so that he wouldn't get at me fully. My grandfather "tried" to stop it. All the while Kashlyn was standing there, screaming and crying, telling him to stop. And when he turned on her I almost lost it. I told him to stay the hell away from her, and then he left. Just before I turned 15, we called my mom, told her what was going on, and when we went to visit her in Hamilton, we never left. At this point she was actively involved in NA and was with Mike. And I thank them both everyday for taking us in. Because if they hadn't, I know for a fact that I would have followed in my mothers footsteps and gotten involved with the wrong crowd and fallen into drugs.

I've been going to NA meetings and events since I was 12, and I have met some amazing people. A lot of them I've grown close enough to call family. And I'm so glad that I have them in my life, and in my mom and Mikes life, because if that weren't, things probably would have turned out a lot different. NA has saved my life, because if it hadn't been for NA, my mom and Mike wouldn't be here, and they wouldn't have been there for my siblings and I when we so desperately needed them.

Today I feel a lot better about myself. I still have a lot of self esteem issues that I need to deal with, and a lot of issues with men that I need to deal with. Probably why I've been single for so long. And the last guy that I was thinking about being involved in hurt me a lot. That was January. And I know I haven't really talked about it, but it's embarassing and awkward. And now I have this guy talking to me now that I really don't know what to do with. I don't know for sure how he feels about me, and I know he isn't really ready for a relationship. Which is fine. More that fine, because I don't know if I'm ready for one either. All I wanted was to hang out more, and get to know each other. But who knows if that's going to even happen. And that is the kind of shit that puts me into a head spin all over again.

I'm happy today though. I love to smile, and laugh, and spend time with my friends and family, and live life to the fullest. And I guess that's all I can do.

Carleen.

Happy Belated St. Patricks Day!

Hello readers = )

So the past couple days have been pretty decent. Even if I did have to work yesterday. Boo. Oh work, how I wish I could dropkick you. But good news about that! I might be able to get full time shifts, if one of the owners doesn't pull a complete bitch move. Which would not surprise me. But, I must think positive! Haha.

So I've dealt with an issue that has been bugging me the past little while. It's been talked over with the other person, so now we know where each other stand. And I've come to the conclusion that nothing will probably come out of it. It might, but I have a feeling nothing will. I don't know. And I'm actually pretty okay with that. Just glad that I now know what the hell is going on haha. This is probably pretty vague. But whatever. I'm sure you'll all deal.

I actually don't really have much to talk about today..Surprising I know!

St.Patricks Day was yesterday, didn't do much. Kashlyn and Meg came over, drank a bit, went on Chatroulette to check it out (found the HOTTEST guy ever! And then it froze :( ) And then we watched a movie. I live my life on the wild site. Watch out!

Linds and I went to get decorations for her birthday party, and we are both so stoked for it! And I came across 2 of the sweetest colours ever for MY birthday party. Lime green and a sky blue colour. :D.

That's all I have to say today. Check out Vedera everyone! Sweet band.

Carleen

I wanna ask for direction, but I don't dare to disturb.

I would just like to start off by saying that even though I complain tons throughout my blog, I'm really not an unhappy person. I have unhappy moments. If that makes any sense? I'm happy, for the most part, with where my life is today. Especially when I compare it to when I was 8-15. It just seems that lately I have had so much shit to think about. Which has affected my sleeping patterns like crazy. I'm lucky if I get 5-6 hours of sleep lately.

I hate not knowing where things are going. Obviously I'm not going to know the outcome of everything, but it would be nice to have some sense of the outcome. Honestly, is this going to go anywhere? Are we actually going to hang out? Are you honestly interested, or are you not, and just don't know how to tell me? Before I would have said that there is a possibility, but ever since Friday, we've barely talked. Which might be because shit has come up, people are busy, whatever. But before even with the busy-ness, we still talked all the time. If it wasn't on MSN, then it was through text. And I don't want to come off as annoying with my texting/messaging all the time. I just want to know if it's even worth my time. Fuck I hate always blogging about this. But it seems like this is the only real way for me to express my feelings about it, with anyone. This is probably doing more damage then anything. Ugh. Fucking hell.

Theres a situation going on right now, and I really don't know how to deal with it. It's one that will probably affect my life like crazy in the next few months, and it's a situation that doesn't even make sense to me. I keep asking myself "Why? Why would this make any sense?" In my opinion, it doesn't. I haven't even been asked about it to be honest, which irritates me like crazy. Almost like it;s assumed that I will go along with it. No. I won't. Now it's just a matter of talking about it, which my mom has told me a couple of times I need to do. I know I need to talk about it. But I also know that I'll come off as the bad guy, the asshole, that's ruining everyones plans. So I don't know. Hopefully I'll have enough guts to bring it up sometime soon.

As for the job situation. Please stop talking to me about it everyone. I know what I need to do.

Ughh, why is it that all of these things hit me at once? I was feeling great Friday night. Now, not so much. I just wish people would be straight forward with me. That might sound hypocritical because of this blog, but really, I shouldn't be the one going to people with this. Although I guess I could regarding the first paragraph. But it would be a lot better if the other person let me know what the hell they were thinking/feeling.

Thanks for reading another rant.

Carleen

Untitled.

Soo. We met last night. Finally! =D. It went really well. At least I think so. Lol. It wasn't anything special, we just went out for coffee, and talked. I was pretty afraid that we wouldn't have anything to talk about, thinking that we talked about everything already on MSN and through texting lol. But like always, I worried for nothing. Oh man, was I ever stressed out about it thought. Hahahah, ask my mom, Shana, and Kash, and they'll tell you. Worrying over every detail. Haha, Jesus. But he did text me last night, and he texted me today saying he wanted to see me again soon. So that's pretty sweet. Maybe a movie night next time? We will see.

My grandparents came down today, which was awesome. We rarely get to see them since they're in Ottawa, so it's always nice when they come down. They both looked great though. And we had an AWESOME meal. Ham, sweet potatos, broccoli salad, and pie afterwards. Ughh soo full though. I actually had to go lay down on the couch and pass out for a bit lol.

Have to work tomorrow though, which sucks. I'm glad it's a short-ish shift. So tonight will be a lazy night. Right now I'm planted on the couch, which I will probably stay until I go to bed. Maybe a movie? I do have a book that I need to read. We will see. So tired though.

Carleen.

You're my Wonderwall

As I'm starting to write this I'm trying to think of a title for todays blog. I can't think of one right now, but maybe by the end of it I will.

I hate trying to write a blog when I don't really have much to say. I haven't blogged since my drunken one Saturday night, so I feel like I kind of need to. By the way, thank you everyone who found my drunken on hilarious. Lol. I feel kind of bad about my rant on the boy. We might be meeting Friday, but that all depends on what hes doing. Hopefully we're finally able to meet. I was telling the mama today, that even if it doesn't work out in the relationship sense, I hope we can stay friends. I really like talking to him. He makes me smile like no other guy has been able to do in quite awhile.

Tomorrow is one of my best friends moms birthday. So Ms.Shana and I will be spending the day together tomorrow :). Well the afternoon anyway. I wish I knew what to say in situations like this. But like she mentioned in her blog, sometimes you can't say anything, and all someone needs is a hug. So I will be giving her a ginormous (sp?) hug tomorrow. I would just like you to know, you are one of the most important people in my life right now. I can relate to you on so many levels it's not even funny. You're an amazing person who has brightened up my day so many times. And regardless of the shit people throw your way, I hope you realize how amazing you are. RAWR!

I also love how big of a cuddlebug Pax is. Even if it's making it hard as hell to type lol.

-Carleen

I;m so over you and all the things that you do.

hello ladies and gentelmen!.

i ont care about spelling and all that junk this evening/morning. because i am quite drunk. i had a fantastic evening with 2 of my best friends ever. it was great. drinking, dancing, laughing. we were even able to avoid the dreaded devonne. hahahaha. good lord i want to punch her. but enought about her!

why do i care about guys? they're douches. all of them. except my step-dad and brothers. them i love. i dont even know why i like the guy that i do. he doesnt like me. what a waste of time. fuck my life. if you're reading ths, thank you for ignoring me. i appreciate it. least you could do is tell me that you cant txt me cause you're busy.

billy, if you read this, find me a boy. no strings attached. well maybe some strings. but not many. i';m not even 20 yet, and i would like some fun. without the head games. the least a guy could do if he doesnt like me is tell me. or if you do like me, FUCKING TELL ME. i may be drunk, but i'm thinking clearly enought.

i find it gunny how well i type when iu'm drunk. probably cause i try harder. who knows. and i know i just made mistakes. and i willnot correct them. anyway. i had a fantastic evening.

love you all

<3
carleen.

Awesome Possum..Or not so awesome.

So. Shana and I had a near death experience. Well I almost did. Almost had a goddamn heart attack. Here we were, driving down the street, I'm looking at her and talking, and all of a sudden she screams, so I turn to look, see something move in front of the car, and I scream at the top of my lungs, my hand flies up to cover my eyes, and BOTH feet slam down like I'm the one breaking. Jesus Christ, I almost died (and pissed/shit my pants). Both from fear and laughter. It was terrible. But the possum is okay!

Now onto the thing that has been on my mind for the past few days. This situation with the boy. Obviously he's not a boy. God knows I would never date one of those. But I will refrain from mentioning names.

I keep thinking that this has turned into a difficult situation. I'm probably over-thinking everything about this, but who knows. There's like an hour between us, and he already said that if we were to ever start dating, he would drive here and see me during the week and weekend, but I don't know. I like him. A lot. More than the asshole. But I don't know if he feels the same way. The way he talks to me makes me think he does. But again, I just don't know. Since this is an internet/text thing right now it's hard to really know about anything. I hope we hang out sometime soon though, maybe that'll help clear things up.

But with the whole thought of meeting comes the insecurities. So many goddamn insecurities. I don't think I would ever be like this if it wasn't for my fuck up of a father, otherwise known as the sperm donor. The insecurities have nothing to do with my personality. I know I have a decent personality. It has to do with my looks. I know I'm pretty, but I'm not model that's for damn sure. I appreciate the compliments that I'm beautiful. But it's hard to accept them. I hate the way I look. So much sometimes that I'm tempted to go back to how I was when I was living with my dad at 14. No eating and sports, sports, and more sports. Oh to be back in a size 8. I know it's not healthy, which is why I haven't gone back to it. But it's been so tempting. How could it not be when I'm talking to a guy who I find incredibly attractive and his ex's/the girls that message him saying he's cute are all skinny and pretty? Fucking hell.

I usually have the attitude that I don't care what people think of me. And I don't. Except when it's a guy that I wouldn't mind getting involved with. I'm sure some can relate to this, but the thought of being intimate with someone when I look like this scares the shit out of me. Ughh.

This really has nothing to do with anything he has done. Just my own thoughts and insecurities. It's so much harder when you meet someone online. I kind of hope he doesn't read this. I don't know if he has read any of my other entries. If he does, he does. I AM making it public.

Any advice from my wiser friends would be much appreciated.

<3
Carleen