Awesome Possum..Or not so awesome.

So. Shana and I had a near death experience. Well I almost did. Almost had a goddamn heart attack. Here we were, driving down the street, I'm looking at her and talking, and all of a sudden she screams, so I turn to look, see something move in front of the car, and I scream at the top of my lungs, my hand flies up to cover my eyes, and BOTH feet slam down like I'm the one breaking. Jesus Christ, I almost died (and pissed/shit my pants). Both from fear and laughter. It was terrible. But the possum is okay!

Now onto the thing that has been on my mind for the past few days. This situation with the boy. Obviously he's not a boy. God knows I would never date one of those. But I will refrain from mentioning names.

I keep thinking that this has turned into a difficult situation. I'm probably over-thinking everything about this, but who knows. There's like an hour between us, and he already said that if we were to ever start dating, he would drive here and see me during the week and weekend, but I don't know. I like him. A lot. More than the asshole. But I don't know if he feels the same way. The way he talks to me makes me think he does. But again, I just don't know. Since this is an internet/text thing right now it's hard to really know about anything. I hope we hang out sometime soon though, maybe that'll help clear things up.

But with the whole thought of meeting comes the insecurities. So many goddamn insecurities. I don't think I would ever be like this if it wasn't for my fuck up of a father, otherwise known as the sperm donor. The insecurities have nothing to do with my personality. I know I have a decent personality. It has to do with my looks. I know I'm pretty, but I'm not model that's for damn sure. I appreciate the compliments that I'm beautiful. But it's hard to accept them. I hate the way I look. So much sometimes that I'm tempted to go back to how I was when I was living with my dad at 14. No eating and sports, sports, and more sports. Oh to be back in a size 8. I know it's not healthy, which is why I haven't gone back to it. But it's been so tempting. How could it not be when I'm talking to a guy who I find incredibly attractive and his ex's/the girls that message him saying he's cute are all skinny and pretty? Fucking hell.

I usually have the attitude that I don't care what people think of me. And I don't. Except when it's a guy that I wouldn't mind getting involved with. I'm sure some can relate to this, but the thought of being intimate with someone when I look like this scares the shit out of me. Ughh.

This really has nothing to do with anything he has done. Just my own thoughts and insecurities. It's so much harder when you meet someone online. I kind of hope he doesn't read this. I don't know if he has read any of my other entries. If he does, he does. I AM making it public.

Any advice from my wiser friends would be much appreciated.

<3
Carleen