I wanna ask for direction, but I don't dare to disturb.

I would just like to start off by saying that even though I complain tons throughout my blog, I'm really not an unhappy person. I have unhappy moments. If that makes any sense? I'm happy, for the most part, with where my life is today. Especially when I compare it to when I was 8-15. It just seems that lately I have had so much shit to think about. Which has affected my sleeping patterns like crazy. I'm lucky if I get 5-6 hours of sleep lately.

I hate not knowing where things are going. Obviously I'm not going to know the outcome of everything, but it would be nice to have some sense of the outcome. Honestly, is this going to go anywhere? Are we actually going to hang out? Are you honestly interested, or are you not, and just don't know how to tell me? Before I would have said that there is a possibility, but ever since Friday, we've barely talked. Which might be because shit has come up, people are busy, whatever. But before even with the busy-ness, we still talked all the time. If it wasn't on MSN, then it was through text. And I don't want to come off as annoying with my texting/messaging all the time. I just want to know if it's even worth my time. Fuck I hate always blogging about this. But it seems like this is the only real way for me to express my feelings about it, with anyone. This is probably doing more damage then anything. Ugh. Fucking hell.

Theres a situation going on right now, and I really don't know how to deal with it. It's one that will probably affect my life like crazy in the next few months, and it's a situation that doesn't even make sense to me. I keep asking myself "Why? Why would this make any sense?" In my opinion, it doesn't. I haven't even been asked about it to be honest, which irritates me like crazy. Almost like it;s assumed that I will go along with it. No. I won't. Now it's just a matter of talking about it, which my mom has told me a couple of times I need to do. I know I need to talk about it. But I also know that I'll come off as the bad guy, the asshole, that's ruining everyones plans. So I don't know. Hopefully I'll have enough guts to bring it up sometime soon.

As for the job situation. Please stop talking to me about it everyone. I know what I need to do.

Ughh, why is it that all of these things hit me at once? I was feeling great Friday night. Now, not so much. I just wish people would be straight forward with me. That might sound hypocritical because of this blog, but really, I shouldn't be the one going to people with this. Although I guess I could regarding the first paragraph. But it would be a lot better if the other person let me know what the hell they were thinking/feeling.

Thanks for reading another rant.

Carleen